More Rambling

Alright everyone, this blog is going to be a ramble (as per usual) but also a bit of a downer based upon my current mood, so apologies in advance. None of you know me well enough to realize how out of character this is, but I have a confession to make. I, KC, am super overwhelmed. This may not sound like much of a confession (what college student isn’t overwhelmed at some—or all—points?), but that’s not generally how I roll. I’m that person who’s overinvolved, can’t walk into a room of Northeastern students without having a connection to someone, and frequently spends more time in Curry than my bedroom. This isn’t an attempt to flex—I’ve actually realized over the last year or so that this may not be a good thing.        

For years I’ve been toeing the line of how much I can do, but recently than line shifted a little—fun medical emergencies I don’t need to get into here but have since been handled. I realize, retrospectively, that while that line of what I can do may have shifted, my attempted activity levels didn’t shift with it as much as they should have. This may have been something of an oversight.      

I don’t really know what to do with this information. I generally don’t like being told not to do things. (You know that person who is three times as likely to try and do something after you tell them they won’t be able to? Yeah, that’s me.) Interestingly, telling myself that I’m doing more than I can handle doesn’t really feel any better than someone else saying it. I’m not blind to the knowledge that there’s something deeper going on there. I’ve spent a huge part of my life with most of the people around me telling me that I cannot do the things that I want to do. That I won’t be able to achieve my goals. Fun fact—my high school guidance counselor told me not to bother applying to colleges, because no school would accept a student with my medical history. I really enjoyed sending her a list of all the colleges I’d been accepted to. Just like with my guidance counselor, I love proving people wrong about what I can do. This might be why, at times like right now, I don’t really want to take a step back from the things I do, even though I know I probably should. It almost feels like defeat. Like proving all those people right. I rationally know that these are stupid thoughts, that taking care of yourself is super important and that this wouldn’t be a defeat but more of a redesign, but the thoughts are there all the same.        

This blog post may have gotten a little more personal that I originally intended for it to be, but it’s written and I’m rolling with it. I feel like I should be pulling some kind of moral from this, like “listen to your limits” or “the expectations of others don’t define you, you define yourself” but frankly I’m too tired for that tonight. So I’m wrapping this up by saying to you—whoever’s reading this—I hope you’re less stressed than I am today.